President Obama

“President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, ‘Really?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, ‘Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.’” –Conan O’Brien

“They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.” —Bill Maher

“President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” —Conan O’Brien

“Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.” —Bill Maher

“It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” –Jay Leno

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” —Jay Leno

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’” —Craig Ferguson